Honey, do I feel hot?

I’m back!  Sorry for the long absence, but I’m recovering from a near death experience.  Well, actually it was a case of the flu, but being male I have to put it in the proper perspective.

See, that’s the thing about men; we prioritize things differently than women. Let’s say I’m in the back yard mowing the grass and the lawn mower inadvertently slips and lops off my little toe.  If my wife saw that happen she’d run over and want to drag me to the emergency room.  I’d probably tell her to calm down, get me a Bandaid and then go sit down while I finish that last corner of the yard.

Getting the flu is a much more serious situation.  I was at work when it hit.  In the span of thirty minutes I went from my normal round, jolly self to being an emaciated shell, barely able to walk or talk.  Somehow I found my way home and collapsed with a temperature of 120 degrees.  Hours later, when my wife got home from work, she found me sobbing on the floor and curled into a fetal position.  She took my temperature with an obviously defective thermometer, told me my temperature was 104, gave me two Tylenol and told me to lie down on the couch and stop whimpering.  “You had your flu shot,” she said.  “If it is the flu it’ll be a light case.”  Then she sighed, rolled up her sleeves and catered to my every whim for the next two days.

So let’s compare how men and women look at those two scenarios in a little more detail.  In the lawn mower incident the man would be thinking, “Hmmm…after insurance it’s going to cost me $3000 to have my toe sewed back on.  I can do my job sitting down, so I’ll still have to go to work and be miserable all day—mostly because I’ll be thinking of what I could have bought at Best Buy with $3000.  Maybe if I stop the bleeding and put a Bandaid on it, the toe will regenerate.”

While the man is conjuring up that scenario the woman is thinking, “He just cut off his toe.  If I don’t get this fixed I’m going to spend the next forty years looking for special shoes and watching him feign a limp every time I ask him to help me move the living room furniture so I can scrub the carpet.  We’re going to the emergency room now!”

The flu is totally different.  When a man gets the flu, he thinks, “JACKPOT!  I’ve got two, maybe three, days of lying on the couch watching all the Star Trek movies while someone brings me medicine, drinks and a never-ending supply of chicken soup.  Who cares about the aches, pain, headaches and nausea?”

The woman’s thoughts…“Shit!  Now I have to get up early so I can make enough chicken soup before I go to work to keep him going all day.  Then I have to put his medication in little containers with a time written on them so that he remembers when to take them.  Even if he’s better in three days, it’ll be two weeks before I can get him to move the furniture again.”

So you see, men live for the moment; women plan ahead.  I think we need a constitutional amendment requiring that all elected officials be female.  The country would run much more efficiently.  Maybe we should put some age restrictions on that though.  Women could only hold office if they were younger than fifty or older than fifty-five.  That five year period in the middle can get really ugly.

See Ya


Filed under Just Life

5 responses to “Honey, do I feel hot?

  1. The outstanding wife

    Oh boy, that was a brave final sentence! But you are right about the planning ahead thing. When someone in my house comes down with a virus I go into automatic damage control mode!

  2. Haha! A near death experience…

  3. And by funny I don’t mean you catching the flu

  4. Glad you are feeling better. Was going to check your blog because I hadn’t noticed any posts from you in awhile. I thought maybe my “Reader” was being defective. It wouldn’t be the first time.

    Your analysis of how men and women react in the same situation is spot on. Great, funny post!

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